Statistically speaking, many marriages will fail after a miscarriage occurs. Isn’t that a strange and scary thought? You’d think that such a tragedy would bring couples closer together. Not so, in all cases, as a miscarriage is such a traumatic event that it truly tests a couple’s love. It tests their communication, their compassion and their willingness to stand together through tough trials.
As a husband, of course you feel empathy for your wife’s plight. However, you may be clueless as to what to say or how to help her. Here are some suggestions.
Stay with Her and Monitor Her Health Afterward
It may not be a legitimate child birth, but your wife needs you throughout the process. This means before, during and after. Make sure she receives the medical attention she needs and that she doesn’t neglect those needs in a depressive phase. Allow her plenty of rest and try to take care of her as much as possible, lightening her load in chores and duties with other children.
Understand that your wife may have her own unique grieving process. She may need you, or she may want to be alone. Be ready to do whatever she requests and always reassure her that your love is unchanged. She knows the miscarriage was not her fault but that doesn’t mean she won’t need encouragement and reassurances. Do not imply that she cannot have children in the future, because it is very possible the miscarriage was a one-time event. At the same time, don’t pressure her to try again. It’s best to let her talk about these things when she feels ready.
Be Patient and Stay Protective of Her
Encourage family and friends’ support, but make sure your wife is up to company. She will be physically and emotionally weak for a while, so don’t let anyone see her at any time. Organize the visits according to how she feels and who she’s willing to talk to.
Obviously, you must exercise a great deal of patience, not only in halting the decision to try to have a child again, but also in sexual needs. A woman who has miscarried will likely not be interested in sex until she can physically and mentally heal. Don’t rush her. Insensitivity on the husband’s part (particularly the sentiment that she should “get over it”) is one of the leading causes of divorces.
Take Care of Yourself Too!
Lastly, don’t forget to grieve yourself. You may cry at first…but are you really grieving and accepting what has happened? You are trying to be the strong one and that’s admirable. However, it is wise to seek counseling, or at least vent your feelings in a diary, so you can express what you’re going through. Time off work may be necessary. Do not go down the road of escaping the pain, because drugs and alcohol abuse will only test the marriage more.
A miscarriage is a difficult challenge to work through, but it can be done. Couples who stayed together often say that it’s just a matter of working through the pain together, having faith, not staying angry, and not turning on each other when the going gets rough.
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