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Date a Friend’s Ex

Posted on :2012-11-21 in

Relationships are incredibly complicated, but what happens when you find yourself trying to date a friend’s ex? 

 

Facing the challenges of developing a good connection with someone is tough enough, but adding in the extra dimension of stoking the fires of romance with a friend’s former flame means you have to be that much more careful.

 

You will have to consider more than simply your feelings for the ex in question, you must take into account what your buddy might think about the new pairing. 

 

It might be a recipe for disaster, but it doesn’t have to be.  To navigate the choppy waters between your potential sweetheart and good friend, take these XX things into account before you go on your first date:


Date a Friend’s Ex
  • How long has it been?

When you find yourself attracted to your friend’s ex, the first question you have to ask is how much time has passed between the end of their relationship and when you began to think about dating.  

Has it been several weeks or a few months?  Then it’s a possibility worth looking into.  If the break up is still fresh in both people’s minds, it’s probably best to cool your jets for a while. 

When angry hearts are on the mend, you will save yourself loads of trouble by creating some space between the relationships.  If years have passed, you can enter into it with hardly a second thought.

 

  • How did your friend take it?

When things went south, what happened with your pal?  Was he or she devastated by the end of the relationship?  This complicates your ability to start anew with the ex within a short time frame. 

You would do well to be honest about your feelings for his or her former lover, acknowledge the hurt and explain that you are interested in pursuing a romance. 

The reaction will be a major clue as to whether you should go for it: if your friend is still feeling pretty wounded, you might end up losing him or her.  That said, if it’s been more than a year since the two of them split, your buddy might be hanging on too long.

 

  • What went wrong?

It might seem like an odd thing to consider, but go over what seemed to be problems as you watched your friend dating the person you are now interested in. 

In the aftermath, it’s possible he or she exaggerated the issues or badmouthed the ex because of the heartache, yet you can still think back over what you saw to see what matches up with your experience as an outsider. 

Did he seem too possessive?  Was she prone to severe mood swings?  In a sense, you have had a preview for the movie of your pending relationship.  Take advantage of that before you dive in.

 

  • Where do you draw the line?

Once you decide to take the plunge, you will have to quickly set up some boundaries in your conversations with both.  Try as they might, both of them will likely have plenty to say about the other – good or bad. 

You will have to be firm when it comes to what is appropriate conversation, as it is unfair for one to dump on the other when you are listening.  Be firm and insistent, realizing if one or the other carries on, you will have to give him or her the boot.


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